(A play in two acts)The scene is a living room in a modest home, in a small Minneapolis suburb. June Cleaver, Ward’s liberal-leaning wife, is vacuuming, while wearing her full compliment of high heels, a flowing dress, and string of pearls. Ward Cleaver is sitting down in his recliner, relaxing after a hard day’s work, reading the Strib and cussing at Nick Coleman’s latest article. Suddenly, there’s an abrupt knock. Four bratty neighborhood kids await outside the door…
June Cleaver: (opening door) “Why hello kids—how are all of you?
Would you like some campaign contributions? I baked them fresh!”
(The four children, T-Paw, Normie, Willie and A-Klo walk in the door)T-Paw:(syrupy sweet voice) “Hello, Mrs. Cleaver! Mmmm.. gee, thanks for those contributions! Oh—Mrs. Cleaver—come here and meet Willie’s friend, Global Warming!”
(T-Paw points to an empty space next to Willie)June Cleaver: (thinking to self): “An imaginary friend. Isn’t that cute!”
(then, out-loud, playing along:) “Gosh golly, T-Paw and Willie,”
(looking at the empty space between them)—“Looks like you’ve got yourself quite a friend! Why—isn’t that nice!”
T-Paw: “Yep, and
me and Willie are going to go to the North Pole, where Global Warming lives, an’ ‘splore!”
June Cleaver: “Well, isn’t that special! You kids better dress warm… and be back by the time the street lights are on, okay?”
T-Paw: “Okay, Mrs. Cleaver! Come on Willie, Normie and A-Klo—let’s go ‘splorin!”
(the four trot out the door and turn north; Leave it to Beaver type music in background)Ward Cleaver: “June, do you really think you should
encourage their having an
imaginary friend like Global Warming?”
June Cleaver: “Ward, what can it hurt. After all, they’re just children exercising their imaginations!”
Ward Cleaver: “But what if it goes too far?”
June Cleaver: “Nonsense, Ward—what harm could kids do with an imaginary friend, anyway?”
Ward Cleaver: “Maybe you’re right, June, but I wonder…”
(music out)Act II(A week later, The Cleavers receive another knock at their door. T-Paw, Willie, Normie and A-Klo are there with a bucket.)T-Paw: (in a syrupy-sweet voice) “Hello, Mrs. Cleaver—My, but don’t you look wonderful!”
June Cleaver: “Why, thank you T-Paw! What can I do for you?”
T-Paw: “Well, Mrs. Cleaver, it turns out that our friend, Global Warming, isn’t very nice!”
June Cleaver: “Really, why do you say that?”
Willie: “Well, well… me, me, me an’ T-T-T-Paw went to-to-to the Nawth Pole… an- an-and Gwobal Warming started k-k-kiwwing powar beawrs an’ baby seaows and stuff!”
June Cleaver: (playing along) “You don’t say! Why the nerve…”
Normie: “Yeah, Mrs. Cleavah. That’s why
we’re asking fer contributions—so we can hire a hit man to kill Gwobal Wahming!
(laughs like Elmer Fudd--holds out bucket)June Cleaver: (puzzled) “I beg your pardon?”
A-Klo: (hands on hips) “Mrs. Cleaver, All we’re asking is 40 percent of your paycheck! I mean, it’s really important that we stop Global Warming before he kills even more cute baby seals and polar bears!!
:::whining, on the verge of tears::: I mean, you want to
save cute baby seals and polar bears—
don’t you ??” :::sniff:::
June Cleaver: “Well, of course, but..”
(Meanwhile, Mr. Cleaver, overhearing the conversation, comes to the door)Ward Cleaver: “Now children, it was all well and good that Mrs. Cleaver and I played along with your imaginary friend, but..”
Willie: “IMAGINAWY FWIEND?!?”A-Klo:
(hands on hips—pursed lips, frown) “Yeah. What do you mean, ‘maginary?”
Ward Cleaver: “Heh—now kids, you don’t
really believe in Global Warming, do you?”
Normie: “
I sure do!
Don’t you??!?”Ward Cleaver: “Why, no!”
Normie: “Well—I’m gonna hold my bweath til my face turns bwue unwess you take back what you said!”
(bears down, puffs cheeks and holds breath)
Ward Cleaver: Now, Normie--i
T-Paw: “Yeah, you meanie!”
(T-Paw kicks Ward Cleaver in the 'nads).Ward Cleaver: “—Oooh—
hey! ::cough:: —
that hurt!” :::cough:::
:
::Willie starts to sob uncontrollably::: :::Normie’s face starts to turn an iridescent array of colors::::June Cleaver: “Ward— you made Willie cry! Take back what you said!”
Ward Cleaver: “But June!!”
June Cleaver: “Ward—they’re
children! Don’t destroy their imaginations!”
A-Klo: (hands on hips) “Yeah—our ‘maginations!”
:::Normie starts teetering:::Ward Cleaver: “But June—they
want us to give them money!”
June Cleaver: “Ward—if you don’t
take back what you said right now and
give them some money, you’ll be
cut off from The Beaver!”Ward Cleaver: (Looks up and down at Mrs. Cleaver, turns toward children, and emits a deep sigh) “Okay kids… How much…”
Normie: “A couple-a-grand oughta do, fer
stahters.
(Elmer Fudd laugh)”
(Ward writes a check, grudgingly signs it, and drops it in Normie’s bucket)T-Paw:
(syrupy sweet) “Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver. How very generous of you. We’ll be back!”
(T-Paw, Willie, Normie and A-Klo skip away from the Cleaver household, bucket in tow, to the next house down the block….)June Cleaver: "Aren’t they
nice kids, Ward?"
::::Leave it to Beaver Music out:::::Fin.***UPDATE***More on T-Paw, Normie's and A-Klo's "Imaginary friend" (h/t
Minnesotans for Global Warming, via
Freedom Dogs). Long, but more than worth the view.
Grab a tub of popcorn for this one.
