BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-Ha!!!

My drink just about came out of my nose when I read this:

Massachusetts Sen. John Kerry, perhaps preparing to get back into the presidential ring one day, claims he's now armed with materials that will make war record critics from his 2004 presidential campaign go running tail between legs.

John Kerry-- he so funny!!!


I was thinking... if Kerry has a bunch of evidence to counter the allegations made by Swift-Vets for Truth, why is he waiting to come out with it? Why not clear his name now?

Well, always one to be helpful (again, with apologies to Nihlist), I will present John Kerry with:

The Top Ten "Materials" in John Kerry's Arsenal to Combat the Swift Vets:

10. Affadavit from Jane Fonda that John Kerry thought he was actually only doing a screen test when he testified during the Winter Soldier Hearings.

9. Another affadavit swearing that the camera guy following him around Vietnam was actually a stalker who wouldn't leave him alone.

7. Evidence of a personal expedition to find those medals ribbons things that he threw over the White House fence.

6. A copy of a copy of an excuse written by his mother that he scraped his elbow skiing--in the line of duty--yeah--that's it..., thus justifying at least one of his purple hearts.

5. An affadavit signed by Captain Jean Luc Picard, stating that Kerry actually was caught in a space-time warp nexus continuum thingy-ma-bobby that actually allowed soon-to-be President Nixon to order him to spend Christmas in Cambodia in 1968, before he was President (a memory that was seared, seared in his mind, btw).

4. An affadavit that medical records of his purple-heart related injuries were lost during Kerry's travel through the same space-time warp nexus continuum thingy (See #5)

3. Evidence of a fact-finding mission to Vietnam to find actual remnants of ears and genitals supposedly cut off by U.S. soldiers.

2. Videotape of a seance with Miss Cleo in which she channels the ghost of Genghis Khan, to prove that he really did do things that way.

1. Testimony that his horrible experiences in Vietnam are what gave him the courage to marry Tarrayyyyzzaaa.