A Few More Things Fowler Would do well to Know...

Syl Jones, in his column in yesterday's Red Star Diaper (Tribune) felt so magnanimous as to offer some words of advice to Reggie Fowler, heir apparent to the throne for ownership of the Minnesota Vikings. Some of the advice about Minnesotans that Mr. Jones was kind enough to include:

The second rule is, "Remember Your Place." You will hear that said indirectly during your tenure here many times, just as you will also hear the phrase, "This has nothing to do with race." Drop a nickel into a bucket each time it's said and you'll soon be able to build that new stadium in Anoka County.

You see, the Great Chain of Being has been disturbed by the simple fact that you have the financial ability to purchase the beloved Minnesota Vikings. You don't yet understand what you've bought -- the heart and soul of Nordic manhood, the only reason some people in this state get out of bed between September and January.

If you don't believe me, look at the effort Glen Taylor's minions made to discredit you in the media, implying that you might not have the resources needed to run the NFL owners' financial gantlet. That's because you're not supposed to have that kind of money, son. Then again, the fact that you do will be cited as evidence that racism is a thing of the past. All of which makes you an extremely puzzling but somehow useful symbol in this state.

That Taylor is rich might annoy the hell out of some folks but, hey, at least he's the right ... oops. I was about to say something impolite, and nothing is more important than being polite in public in Minnesota, especially for a black man. Because the third rule is, "Anything you say will be used against you."

Well, since Mr. Jones, in all his condescending glory, can feel so self-righteous as to offer that sage advice, the least we can do here at the Ice Palace is to offer some sage advice of our own.

Mr Fowler--I would like to offer a few words about dealing with the leftist elitists here in Minnesota and elsewhere when you are a success and a minority:

In the spirit of Jeff Foxworthy,

How to tell if you're really not a minority to a liberal:

• First, according to the elitists, you are really not a minority if your success is not attributed to participation on the white limousine liberal plantation. If you have never benefitted from affirmative action, you are not really a minority, and are not fit to be conferred with minority status.
  
• If you would not otherwise meet the qualifications for this job, available at one of our fine Minnesota universities, nor subscribe to the philosophy which said position dictates, you are not really a minority. You are a poor, hapless, misguided individual in need of diversity training and liberal indoctrination. Your bus to the correction camp is waiting.
  
• If you in any way support lower taxes and climates otherwise friendly to business, you are not a real minority. You are an aberration, a circus freak show. And last, but certainly not least,
  
• If you voted for Bush, or approved of any of his minority judicial nominees and high-level cabinet appointees, you are definitely not a minority. You are a turncoat. You are a traitor to your own, an Uncle Tom who has sold out to da man. You are no friend to Jesse Jackson, nor for that matter to Ted Kennedy or Barbra Streisand. You will not be invited to any Cape Cod lobster feeds. You are not to be celebrated for your success. Instead, you are to be reviled and cast away as an ogre and a leper. Clarence Thomas and Condoleeza Rice come to mind as anti role models. By all means steer clear of terms such as self reliance. Because in the liberal lexicon, there is no such term, especially when applied to minorities.
  

Now, Mr. Fowler, I have no way of knowing your political leanings and perhaps you really are a minority, and worthy in the liberals' eyes of being conferred as such. But if that is not the case, you may want to know what you're getting yourself into with some people in Minnesota.

-Psycmeistr-